Friday, June 16, 2006

The world will never be the same

i`m a friend of jaded I`am writing an insert for her....

"my friend cactus died stabed in a place he tried to sleep completly oblivious to the world falling apart. Not noticing the brokeness so many people diying so many not crying is death such a part of our reallity we don`t even notice? Our world is so beautifly ugly where did it all go wrong."

My song to YOU.
Hold me now
Stop the morning light from breaking
Somethings comming over me
Don`t know what i`m saving
The clock ticks by and it just might change everything
If i don`t give you all thats waiting who knows what tommorow will bring?

If i try not to need you
I`d be hiding from my self, but oh

If tommoror never comes i would do it all again
If the light never breaks through
Iwould stay untill the end
If i saved it all for you
I would have my faith again
Then i would know it`s you

Won`t shed a tear
For more than just a moment
Try not to let my self go crazy
Tommorow may never come so i won`t hold you here
Unless you want to fight about it
I would gladly let you win
Cause i don`t need to wright this ending
If i just trust the stillness somehow it won`t hurt so bad,oh

(chours x2)

Then i would know its you

I love you buddy

this boy had the biggest smile the biggest heart remember him for who he was not how he died
see you on the other side

a big thank you to ballman for posting this for me.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


my denial infuriates me. i know i use chemicals to stuff my emotions. to avoid myself. to run away. a lot of people have a couple drinks to "relax" or "have fun"....this is not me. i get wasted because i am emotionaly weak. i start to freak out when i dont have a way to escape myself, my pain, my past . i cant handle it. i cant get enough. if there is something inside that i want to say, i dont know how to spit it out. so i stuff it in. and become emotoinaly constipated. there dosent seem to be anyone or anything that can fill the void in my soul. i hate myself. its not that poeple dont tell me they care. they do. but i dont believe them. to me its the wrong poeple saying it . or its condional. or maybe i am just numb to love. jaded and cynical. i dont think anyone could convince me their love was genuine. because i dont think i am worthy. i am a waste. for so long i have been denying myself the truth. i am not the person i pretend to be. i hate when poeple pretend to know me or understand me. i dont even know me...

Sunday, April 09, 2006

emotional hangover...

i dont want to deal with this right now... there are to many emotions, to many problems... not enough hope. i hate the ultimate outcome. i hate my father for being such a bitter twisted self loathing alcoholic. i hate my need to pretend everything is fine. i hate the way i deal with life. i hate the way i acted last night. i hate the way i feel right now. but most of all i hate myself for hating.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Next Step

Well, this is my last day at Tewegan. I am going to miss all the residents and staff. This place was a safe haven, there was always someone to talk, share, and laugh with. I have changed so much in the short time i have been here. I am more sure of myself , i have learned to love myself . I am going to miss this place so much, but at the same time I am excited about the next stop on my journey.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Great weekend @ Grace Baptist Church!!!

The Lord has truly blessed me. This weekend i found a church. I havent been in church in a very long time. When i was walking over, I was nervous, not knowing what was in store for me. Once I walked in, I knew I was in the right place. I was greeted as if I were a long lost friend. I was made welcome. As the service started, I felt this amazing sence of peace and belonging, something I havent felt since I moved to Ottawa. I want to thank all the members, elders, and decons at the Grace Baptist Church for welcoming me with open arms. I will see you all next Sunday. (if not before)

Thursday, March 09, 2006


WOW. this month has flown by...i was thinking about where i was 6 weeks ago, and where i am today, i am blown away. my whole outlook and attitude has changed. I have learned so much about myself and life. I think about the poeple in my life and feel truly blessed to call them friends. the inspiration and hope i get from each and every one of them makes me love them so much more.
I am proof, that one simple prayer, and a little faith goes a long way.
My faith has been renewed and strenghtened. Growing more and more everyday.
I am so thankful for the poeple who have helped me get here. God has truly blessed me.

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Your goodness sends.
Father in heaven,
We thank You.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


32 DAYS CLEAN!!!!!
Alot has happened in the last few weeks.
I started going to meetings, and have found myself a home group.
I move into my own apartment on Monday
(this will be the first time on my own)
Dear God,
thank you for my life on this earth,
however challenging or not.
Thank you for giving me free will to love and be loved,
to make my own decisions,
to learn from my mistakes,
to laugh when I am happy,
to cry when I am sad.
Thank you for my family,
my friends,
my pets,
my colleagues,
and for every other living creature I meet along my journey.
Thank you for giving me strength to overcome adversity,
to do what's right for the benefit of the greater good,
to rise above negativity.
Thank you for giving me hope for an end to world suffering,
and war,
for a beginning of a world filled with light and everlasting love.