Monday, November 28, 2005

harsh reality

why is it the ones you love the most, hurt you the most......yes i am talking about family.when our parents were in the middle of a nasty one wanted to blame mom or dad... thats because it was my fault. i was the third wheel. not the referee....i was the problem. hell ive always been the problem. how stupid of me to think it was the alcoholism... the money problems... the fighting. my siblings were convinced it was my fault.... and of corse they are always right.....its me who was the problem
and of course when the storm blew over and everything had calmed down i was expected to swallow the accusations, and comments. go on like it did not hurt. no apology... nothing
to my loving siblings
thanks...the problem!!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

trapped in reality, drowning in memories

why do i keep going back over things in my head...why do i tourture myself with what if's???
because the truth is its the memories that got me where i am today. as depressing as that is... it is reality.
if my memories were different, my reality may be different. but the memories are not different... i have the scars to prove it. now i sit here infront of this computer that has become my most reliable aquantence, most cherished friend. i could sit here and wonder why me.... but what good would that do. i must keep on keeping on

i can live without the cheese....but i cant forget the wine

addiction has severly affected me and my family.... i am a recovering drug addict who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. i was adopted at a very young age. still i could not escape. alcoholism was on the front line in the battle feild i called home. sometimes i felt my father loved his bottle more than he loved me. alcohol the storm that tore us apart, my mother the glue that held us all together. fighting against a force stronger than any we could imagine. we fought for many years.... hoping, praying, begging, nothing we did was enough. eventually we faced the biggest challenge ever....leaving.
it was one of the hardest things i have gone through. standing silently as my mothers vision of a happy family went down the drain....unable to ease her pain and drowning in my own. the truth could no longer be hidden in the brave face we put on. it was over. now as we all start on our indivudal roads to recovery. i say, i love you , i have never been so proud to call you my mother. your love can concor all.
love your daughter.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

silence of liberty

''Liberty:The quality or state of being free from capitivity, bondage, subjection, or dispotic control; the right or power to act as one pleases....." (some dictionary i found around the house)

i was just watching The Apprentice and Donald Trump took the winning team to see all the buildings he owns in New York.....they ended up flying over the statue of liberty. that got me thinking...(dangerous passtime....i know) about what the statue symbolizes....freedom.
what defines freedom....lets find out...

"Freedom: the state of being free, liberty, independence,....." basicly the same as above.

i dont really have a point.....yet.
maybe i will learn more as i continue on this journey.

thoughts by sadjane

"and when exactly does a condition become a disorder? for example, when does the state of being depressed become depression? when does social anxiety become social anxiety disorder? when does problem drinking become alcoholism? symptoms of illnesses and diseases often fluctuate over time. but most diagnosis are not that flexible. once an addict always an addict. if you have suffered severe depression and are now feeling better you are in remission -not better. this black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking is destructive to the spirit. it prevents healing. it tells us we will always be defective, and it is beyond our control. where the mind leads the body follows. it is well documented that diagnosing a disorder worsens it's symptoms"

something a fellow blogger posted something i ponder. thought i would share.

surender to the title

once we are diagnosed with a mental illness we surennder to the critera that makes it a illnes. all because an average joe who went to school and got a peice of paper, says we are sick. we dont have a say. if we try to fight it there are meds, forms, restraints, papers. the only thing we can do is surender. we surrender to survive. but what happens when the nurses and doctors are gone? we sit and look back on the experience. wonder if it is true. are we really "defected" ? we look back on our life... all we went through... the experiences we went through... scary shit... we wonder if we were just having an emotional breakdown, we got caught by someone, that someone got scared and then the doctors and nurses got involved. now were here taking the meds suffering through the side effects. going through with the motions of life. not questioning.... just anwsering. scared to fight for fear of doctors responce. we have become obedient to the rules someone else has set for us. still they call this life.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

life with 15 people

less than a month....and i am already going crazy. how am i going to last a whole year??? there is no privacy no where to hide. someone somewhere always needs me for something or wants to talk about something. 5 minutes... is that too much to ask.