Monday, February 20, 2006

Human Chameleon

This evening i went to my creating change workshop. We learned alot about "Survior Roles"

Children of dysfunctoinal families learn their survivel roles early in life and become adhered to these roles. Not being able to tell the difference between the role adaptation and self. The adult child becomes buried in an ideal image of themselves. The role becomes buried in an ideal image of themselves. The role becomes his or her presentation to the world. Therefore, all emotions and needs are buried behind a mask which is acceptable and needed of the child in the family. Self image becomes based on the needs and reactions of others.

There are 6 surviver roles;
-The victem(s)
-The cheif enabler
-The caretaker/ overachiever/ hero
-The pleaser/ clown/ mascot
-The rebellious child/scapegoat/actingout child
-The lost child/withdrawn/adjuster

In the 18 years that i lived with my family I have experienced and lived every role on this list. This past year I have lived on my own and have started to learn who i am without any expectations from anyone. Although there are negative impacts that go along with the roles, with intervention they can become positive. I am starting to see the positive. I want to thank my family for '' letting go''. I love my family.

Realization, Rationlization

Well, I have been clean for 16 days now. WOHOO!!!
One problem.... I have dropped the drugs only to fill that void with food. The amount that i can eat in a span of a couple of hours is discusting. By not dealing with my first addiction I have unconsciencely picked up another.
Possible solution....go to NA, join a gym, search for possible explinations.
Realization.... This is not going to change over night, no one said it would be easy
Rationlization...I am an addict everyday. Today I have the choice to be a recovering addict.

On the lighter side, yesterday i had the pleasure of seeing my sister and (soon to be) brother in-law off at the airport. When they come back they will be married. Seeing them so happy and excited is somthing i will never forget. I love them both and cant wait till they get back;)


Thursday, February 16, 2006

This to will pass!!!

still here, still clean, happier than ever!!!
I have never felt so much freedom in my entire life. I love it.
I wake up with a smile, not having to worry about what is going to happen, or who i have to avoid. I get to do what i want when i want.
I love my life today, I am living in the moment, the right here right now moment.
Thank You to everyone cheering me on, I love you all
Keep the Faith

Friday, February 10, 2006

Illusions of control, promise of freedom

Over the last few days i have taken a step back, to look at the bigger picture. Discovering my own "illusions" and taking off the mask, in realizing and accepting that i have no control, i have gained so much freedom. I can now choose how i react, feel, and look at everything and everyone around me. I can be happy and accept that everyting in this moment, is as it should be. Just knowing that i have that choice, has made me so much more happy in everything i do throughout the day

I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I had asked for,
but eveything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered
;I am, among all men, most richly blessed.
Unknown Confederate soldier

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Lost & Found on one bus ride

Tonight, i decided i wanted to go out and "celebrate" (aka, use) I made a phone call and walked out the door whithout much thought. I was waiting for the #5 on one side of the road when it came up the other side, so i ran across the road and hopped on, the fact that it would not take me where i wanted to go never crossed my mind. By the time i realized i had no idea where i was, the driver anounced the last stop. PANIC. I got off the bus and didnt say a word. For the first time since i left the house, i asked myself what i was doing. I started walking trying to figure out what to do next. I found my way to a bus station and got on the first bus that came by. when i arrived back home, i felt disapointed, and grateful all at the same time.

This summer when i was in the hospital, i wrote a dear friend a letter, part of what i wrote is that there are no coincidences and that everything happens for a reason. Over the last few months i had forgotten those words, Tonight i got back a little wisdom.
I didnt relaps today, all because i got on the right bus.
Thank God!!!
Tonight I sign off,
One step closer in the right direction,
and with a little more faith,


Well, I went for my assesment...........thats done!
I dont think i am going to take the in patient program, but i am looking into other options, I am going to call an addiction counsellor tomorrow to explore my options.
Court went well, both parties have signed a peace bond............i dont have to walk up to the witness stand...yea!!!

Assesment Stress

Today I have my addiction assesment at 2:00. I am trying to keep an open mind, and relax. At the same time I am scared and nervous, i dont know what to expect, all i can do is go and tell it like it is.
Today is also the plea date in court so i will find out soon if there is going to be a trial, and if i have to attend.........stressss
what i have to focus on right this minute is getting ready for my appointment
I will write later to let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

withdrawl hell

I havent used since saturday night
My hands are sweaty and shakey
i cant think straight
my stomach feels like it is rotting inside me
i couldnt sleep much last night
kept waking up with weird, scary dreams
i am hot and cold all at the same time
i am miserable
The following is from
Help Me to Stay Sober

Dear God,
Thank you for this day.
Help me to stay clean and sober, just for this day.
Help me to recognize your hand in all things.
Thank you for the blessings I understand and the ones I don't.
Thank you for the miracles I see and the ones I don't.
Thank you for your spirit who always abides in me.
I ask that I may be with your spirit today.
Cleanse my mind of all darkness and fill it with love and light.
Let me be o.k. with this day no matter what it brings.
Thank you for everything that's in my life and everything that's not.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Prayer of hope

The Lord is my sponsor, I shall not want.He makes me to go to many meetings. He leads me to sit back, relax, and listen with an open mind, He restores my soul, my sanity, and my health.He leads me in the path of sobriety, serenity, and fellowship for my own sake.He teaches me to think, to take it easy, to live and let live, and do first things first.He makes me more humble and grateful.He teaches me to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and gives me the wisdom to know the difference.Yea, though I walk through the valley of despair, frustration, guilt, and remorse, I will fear no evil.For Thou are with me, your program, your way of life, your twelve steps, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: rationalization, fear, anxiety, self-pity, resentment.You anoint my confused mind and jangled nerves with knowledge, understanding, and hope.No longer am I alone, neither am I afraid, nor sickened, nor helpless, nor hopeless. My cups runs over,Surely sobriety and serenity shall follow me every day of my life, one day at a time, twenty-four hours at a time.As I surrender my will to You and carry Your message to others, I will dwell in the house of Higher Power, as I understand him, one day at a time, forever and ever.Amen

Friday, February 03, 2006


Well, i havent written in a long time. alot has happened. the biggest thing i am facing today is my addiction. i have relapsed. part of the reason that i havent written in so long is because i didnt want to addmit that it had happened.......i thought it would be different this time, (denial..i know)
i got home this morning and could no longer deny, hide, or justify my actions, i just hope i can stay clean long enough to get help, if not stay clean, i hope i have enough courage to keep trying.
i had an appointment this morning with my CMHA worker....... i got it together and asked for help.

***** to those of you reading this...if you have any positive feedback,suggestions or comments, please share...anyone with negative comments will be blocked, i am in a very fragile mindset right now**************