Thursday, April 13, 2006

ADULT CHILD OF AN ALCOHOLIC

my denial infuriates me. i know i use chemicals to stuff my emotions. to avoid myself. to run away. a lot of people have a couple drinks to "relax" or "have fun"....this is not me. i get wasted because i am emotionaly weak. i start to freak out when i dont have a way to escape myself, my pain, my past . i cant handle it. i cant get enough. if there is something inside that i want to say, i dont know how to spit it out. so i stuff it in. and become emotoinaly constipated. there dosent seem to be anyone or anything that can fill the void in my soul. i hate myself. its not that poeple dont tell me they care. they do. but i dont believe them. to me its the wrong poeple saying it . or its condional. or maybe i am just numb to love. jaded and cynical. i dont think anyone could convince me their love was genuine. because i dont think i am worthy. i am a waste. for so long i have been denying myself the truth. i am not the person i pretend to be. i hate when poeple pretend to know me or understand me. i dont even know me...

Sunday, April 09, 2006

emotional hangover...

i dont want to deal with this right now... there are to many emotions, to many problems... not enough hope. i hate the ultimate outcome. i hate my father for being such a bitter twisted self loathing alcoholic. i hate my need to pretend everything is fine. i hate the way i deal with life. i hate the way i acted last night. i hate the way i feel right now. but most of all i hate myself for hating.